incendiarystory (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} incendiarystory) wrote,@ 2004-11-29 19:07:00 |
|
Why Sleep When I'll Only Dream - CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
CHAPTER FORTY-ONE
Thinking In The Shoes Of Another
When he had fallen asleep, Scott had thought that he was in good spirits. He was nervous about seeing Emily but nothing could have prepared him for the dream that he had, it was almost the kind of dream that he only had when he was feverish. It felt so vivid, that he woke up believing that it had actually happened. And, in a way it had actually happened, but not as he had just dreamed it on this train in Germany. He dreamed about he and Emily's last fight before he walked out. He had walked out of his own apartment telling her to go somewhere else, anywhere else to be with one of her new friends.
In the dream, however, the situation was reversed, everything had been reversed. The words he had used, words he now considered hurtful in retrospect were coming from Emily's mouth. They did not seem to fit coming out of her angelic mouth. And the hurt words were coming from his. But it wasn't just the spoken aspect of the conversation that was reversed, if he could even call it a dialogue between two people, it was the thoughts.
The thoughts he was having were definitely not his own, but what he must have imagined, or subconsciously thought, Emily's might have been. The thoughts he did recognize out of the mix were negative thoughts that he had about himself, that he was insecure, that he was needy, and that he was shallow.
But when he woke up there was a certain hope in what he had thought as Emily in the dream. It was that he felt that his experiences in Poland had stripped him of the three things he thought Emily found wrong with him. He no longer felt like asking himself limitless questions but now felt a reverie in the answered to questions the went unasked. He thought he had learned to see the deeper meaning in events around him and even in the life experiences of others. But, mostly he now felt comfortable in his own skin, in his own resolution. He had survived, almost thrived, in Warsaw with not a lot of help from others. Ivana had helped him set his thoughts straight but in the end she had left it up to him to come to his own conclusions.
Equally as important, he had become more of a conscious actor in his own life and that of others. He saw that he could make a difference when he had saved the Asian man in Warsaw and that he could survive a night on the streets in Prague. There was still fear, but he was no longer scared of his own ability to make a difference to himself or in the world.
And now all he had to do was convince Emily that he had changed - that he had changed for the better. Now he had faith that he could do that in a way he never could before the trip. Maybe had been crazy to think before that she wanted to find somebody else, but this new Scott would convince her that she didn't want anybody else.
He stormed into Berlin's Ost Train Station with his head held high. He didn't stop for anything until he had found his way to the underground station and taken it to Zoo Station. He was going to be there at 9:30 a.m. the next morning! There was no stopping him! Eastern Europe had thrown up every obstacle that it could and nothing had stopped him. He had fought through them in the way he thought that Emily would have. No, in the way that Emily would have. He was now her equal, something that he had never been sure of before.
Asking at the tourist information station where the nearest hostel was, and finding out it was above a row of stores next door. He waited in a long line determined to get a spot and checked in.
Leaning back on his cot, he inhaled deeply. There was something different about being back in "the west," even if that west was inside what used to be another part of "the east." There was a certain sense of excitement and he could almost hear the buzz of people moving around trying not to, or trying to, get caught in the grind. This was a group of people who were used to talking and talk they seemed to do. In "the east" it had seemed as though talking was a new experience. They all still spoke in relatively hushed tones, as though someone was still listening. They talked like they were out of practice after years of silence.
Here, people talked just to be boisterous and to be heard.
Although he had promised himself to be more decisive, he had also promised himself to be honest. Straddling that thin line on one decision, he couldn't decide which one he liked better.
As if they had decided to have some bearing on his decision, right at that moment three large shaved headed men burst through the door. When they shouted "oy there mate!" right at him without even trying to get his name, he knew from experience that it was Aussies and that chances are they were going to invite him out drinking.
This was alright, he thought, he'd had his time in solitude and independence did not necessarily mean being alone. He wouldn't compromise anything by tipping a few back. Of course they'd try to get him "pissed" but he wouldn't let them succeed. He had important things to do and say the next day and the most important person in his life to meet.
Chapter Word Count: 948
Daily Word Count: 948
Total Word Count: 64138
When he had fallen asleep, Scott had thought that he was in good spirits. He was nervous about seeing Emily but nothing could have prepared him for the dream that he had, it was almost the kind of dream that he only had when he was feverish. It felt so vivid, that he woke up believing that it had actually happened. And, in a way it had actually happened, but not as he had just dreamed it on this train in Germany. He dreamed about he and Emily's last fight before he walked out. He had walked out of his own apartment telling her to go somewhere else, anywhere else to be with one of her new friends.
In the dream, however, the situation was reversed, everything had been reversed. The words he had used, words he now considered hurtful in retrospect were coming from Emily's mouth. They did not seem to fit coming out of her angelic mouth. And the hurt words were coming from his. But it wasn't just the spoken aspect of the conversation that was reversed, if he could even call it a dialogue between two people, it was the thoughts.
The thoughts he was having were definitely not his own, but what he must have imagined, or subconsciously thought, Emily's might have been. The thoughts he did recognize out of the mix were negative thoughts that he had about himself, that he was insecure, that he was needy, and that he was shallow.
But when he woke up there was a certain hope in what he had thought as Emily in the dream. It was that he felt that his experiences in Poland had stripped him of the three things he thought Emily found wrong with him. He no longer felt like asking himself limitless questions but now felt a reverie in the answered to questions the went unasked. He thought he had learned to see the deeper meaning in events around him and even in the life experiences of others. But, mostly he now felt comfortable in his own skin, in his own resolution. He had survived, almost thrived, in Warsaw with not a lot of help from others. Ivana had helped him set his thoughts straight but in the end she had left it up to him to come to his own conclusions.
Equally as important, he had become more of a conscious actor in his own life and that of others. He saw that he could make a difference when he had saved the Asian man in Warsaw and that he could survive a night on the streets in Prague. There was still fear, but he was no longer scared of his own ability to make a difference to himself or in the world.
And now all he had to do was convince Emily that he had changed - that he had changed for the better. Now he had faith that he could do that in a way he never could before the trip. Maybe had been crazy to think before that she wanted to find somebody else, but this new Scott would convince her that she didn't want anybody else.
He stormed into Berlin's Ost Train Station with his head held high. He didn't stop for anything until he had found his way to the underground station and taken it to Zoo Station. He was going to be there at 9:30 a.m. the next morning! There was no stopping him! Eastern Europe had thrown up every obstacle that it could and nothing had stopped him. He had fought through them in the way he thought that Emily would have. No, in the way that Emily would have. He was now her equal, something that he had never been sure of before.
Asking at the tourist information station where the nearest hostel was, and finding out it was above a row of stores next door. He waited in a long line determined to get a spot and checked in.
Leaning back on his cot, he inhaled deeply. There was something different about being back in "the west," even if that west was inside what used to be another part of "the east." There was a certain sense of excitement and he could almost hear the buzz of people moving around trying not to, or trying to, get caught in the grind. This was a group of people who were used to talking and talk they seemed to do. In "the east" it had seemed as though talking was a new experience. They all still spoke in relatively hushed tones, as though someone was still listening. They talked like they were out of practice after years of silence.
Here, people talked just to be boisterous and to be heard.
Although he had promised himself to be more decisive, he had also promised himself to be honest. Straddling that thin line on one decision, he couldn't decide which one he liked better.
As if they had decided to have some bearing on his decision, right at that moment three large shaved headed men burst through the door. When they shouted "oy there mate!" right at him without even trying to get his name, he knew from experience that it was Aussies and that chances are they were going to invite him out drinking.
This was alright, he thought, he'd had his time in solitude and independence did not necessarily mean being alone. He wouldn't compromise anything by tipping a few back. Of course they'd try to get him "pissed" but he wouldn't let them succeed. He had important things to do and say the next day and the most important person in his life to meet.
Chapter Word Count: 948
Daily Word Count: 948
Total Word Count: 64138
