incendiarystory (![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small} incendiarystory) wrote,@ 2004-12-09 16:24:00 |
|
Why Sleep When I'll Only Dream - CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
CHAPTER FIFTY-FOUR
The Angel Goes Marching On
Scott walked back from the small department store that served as a supermarket with a spring in his step. That Emily that he had saw practically dancing in the two parking spaces was exactly the Emily that he remembered and he felt like there was hope in him that she would recover yet.
When he arrived back at the wall to see that she was crying again, he felt as though an arrow had been shot through his hopes.
Emily was sitting on the two steps that led from the parking spaces to the overhang of the building. She held her face in her hands but when she looked up, he knew that the tears had started not long after he left. He set the little paper bag that contained the disposable camera and some modeling clay, he had found an art supply store along the way, down next to her. He had gotten a nagging suspicion that he had been gone for too long the entire time that he had been away and now he wondered if he had.
"What's wrong?" he said to Emily, the disappointment showing in his voice. Although this disappointment wasn't for her, it was for himself.
Emily seemed to barely be able to get out complete sentences. "There was..." she began. "this man..."
"he was..."
"wearing this uniform..."
"A policeman?" Scott asked.
"No, it was...a military uniform...but he...wasn't..."
"Emily," Scott said gently again, "breathe in and slow down."
He watched as Emily's chest heaved up and down with the deep breaths that she took. Had thought about dumping the contents of the paper bag out and having her use it as a cure for her hyperventilation. But he still worried that anything he did that might give away how worried he was would set her over the age. This latest transformation from content to distraught had happened so quickly, he hadn't even had time to think about how to react. He felt so helpless to fix her, so powerless to assist.
Emily slowly began to fade in the shed of red that she had become. "No," she finally said, "he was a homeless veteran. He only had one leg, his pant leg was cuffed off and all that. He walked up to me and he held out his hands and started speaking in German. I asked him if he spoke English or French and he just screamed, 'nein!' at me. And he kept holding his hand out. It was so dirty. There were scars all over his hands and all over his face and I wanted to help, I really did. I tried to gesture that I didn't have any money. But he just wouldn't understand, or he just couldn't understand. He kept approaching closer and closer."
Emily stood up now and began to act out the interaction. "So I backed up," she said stepping back again with her own feet. "But, he just kept approaching me. He was so close that I could smell his breath and see his yellow teeth. So I got scared you know..."
"What happened?"
"I wanted to push him away and run, but I was scared I would get violent again so I just froze."
Emily stood so still that Scott was worried she was going to faint right on the stone steps she was standing on.
"And he pushed me down Scott! He pushed me down and tried to take my bag. But I grabbed on tightly and he walked away muttering something in German. I would have reached for the mace in my bag, but I was too frozen at the time to even think about it."
Scott wondered how something like that could have happened in front of all the tourists standing in front of both sides of the wall, taking pictures. His eyes wandered past Emily, sitting on the steps where she had been 'pushed down' at the crowds. They were behaving as if nothing unusual had happened. Scott wanted to walk up to them and ask them if they had seen anything and if they had, why hadn't they come over to help Emily?
As Scott's gaze looked past her, Emily said, "you don't believe me do you?"
Scott wasn't sure if he believe her or not. He worried that not believing her was the worst thing he could possibly do at that very moment and so he said, "of course I believe you." He walked up to Emily's new standing on the stairs and said, "but Emily, this is what I was talking about when I said you have to roll with what life throws you. Homeless people are just a way of life here and at home. And I think he was definitely the crazy one. You needed to stop worrying about him hurting you and protect yourself."
He couldn't look her in the eyes as he said it, he instead stared down at his feet.
She pointed a finger at him and exclaimed, "see you don't believe me! You were looking down when you said it! Whenever you're lying, you look down!"
Scott felt as though his cover had been completely blown. He couldn't figure out how Emily knew this mannerism of his that he barely recognized in himself. He walked closer to her to try and remedy the situation. Looking right into her eyes, he said, "no Emily, I don't think you're crazy."
He reached out his arms to hug her again. She seemed to recoil back and begin to back up again. "Come on Emily?" he asked, "don't you trust me."
Emily screamed at him, "why did you say that?"
Scott was taken aback at the sudden spike in the volume of Emily's voice. "Say what?" he asked still trying to remain calm even though he felt like he was losing control of the situation completely.
"Do I trust you? Haven't you listened to a word I've been saying? I told you that I don't trust anybody right now! What makes you think that I can trust you! And 'do I trust you?' You know the last person who asks me that question was Greg and look what my yes answer got me. So, no I don't trust you."
"Emily," Scott said, his voice becoming firmer as he began to get irritated with the accusations that he thought he had already answered multiple times, "I'm not Greg! This is me, Scott. This is me, someone who has never harmed a hair on your beautiful little head. This is me, the person who's done nothing but try to help you since I got to Berlin!"
"No!" Emily shouted at him from what seemed like feet away even though he grasped that they were, in reality, less than a foot apart. "You're all the same. All of you. And I don't mean that line about all men being potential rapists either. I mean, all of you, everybody in my life, all you want to do is use me."
Scott saw that Emily was still backing up and was in danger of falling over the set of two stairs that led down to the wall. He rushed up and grabbed her as she was about to fall backwards into the hard concrete below.
"Let go of me! Who says that I don't want to fall?" she screamed at him. The tourists with the cameras began to look over at the scene. Scott held Emily with one arm and urged them to look away with the other. But their eyes remained glued to Emily's back as Scott dragged her back away from the ledge.
"Let go of me!" she screamed, "and let me go."
"Go where Emily?" Scott asked, "I'm not going to let you fall. I'm here to protect you."
"Protect me? Why does everyone want to protect me?" Emily's voice quieted down.
"You all have a really insane way of wanting to protect me. You and Sandra both. You're trying to protect me by playing me as some sort of pawn in whatever game you two are playing right now. One of you is lying and I'd really like to think it's her, but I don't even know anymore. Both of you were there for me when I really needed it but then you disappear as soon as you think I'm alright again. You just did that very thing!"
"What do you expect us to do?" Scott asked, the grief that he felt inside about both what Emily had just tried to do and what Emily seemed about to do bubbled out into his voice.
"Emily, I don't know what to say," he said, "I love you. All of the things I do for you comes out of wanting to see you happy and nothing more, I promise." He made sure to look her right in the eyes as he said it. "All I want is that you don't get hurt."
"Why don't you want to see me get hurt?" Emily asked matching the glaze that he felt like he was giving her. "Are you doing all this just to keep me around so the next time you have unanswerable questions, I'm around to answer them for you?"
"No, Emily." Scott let go, he didn't know what to say. "I just don't want to lose you from my life. I don't think anyone should lose you from their lives. You really are a special person, a shining light like that church you described on the hill. You're an example to the rest of us."
"Some example I am when I can't even take care of myself. I read that part of your e-mail to Sandra too. I know how you really feel. You know that I'm crazy right now. You as much as said it to Sandra, 'I've seen the state she's in now. I'm going to try to help her recover. You let her get this way.'"
Scott was taken aback that Emily was using those words that he had written in such kindness and such pathos towards her, albeit in anger against Sandra, and throwing them back in his face as if he had been trying to wound her.
"Nothing to say, huh?" Emily asked.
Scott looked for the words, but they were not there. It felt like anything he could say would go through the translation system in Emily's brain and come out as negative. He was in a no-win situation and all that he could do was hope to weather Emily's storm and that in the end, she came to a decision that wasn't going to rip his heart out.
"Everyone knows that I'm crazy right now," Emily continued in his silence, "but you, you really take the cake. You trying to lie to me and tell me that I'm not. But I hear it in your voice Scott, the way you talk to me. You talk to me like I'm some sort of child. You act like I'm some sort of child. You bought me play-doh, for God's sakes," Emily covered her mouth for a second and crossed herself.
"But, I'm not a child Scott! I'm a grown woman! I may have been a child when you met me, but something you said to me yesterday, I've been thinking about it. You're right, I need to solve my problems on my own."
"Emily I never wanted to hurt you. Those things that I said is because I care about you. I just want to be your friend."
"My friend?" The raise in her voice to note the question felt to Scott like a screech. "You want to be my friend? I don't fucking..."
Emily covered her mouth as the curse word broke out. She straightened her skirt and continued slower and calmer. "You don't want to be my friend. If I were to say right now that we could only be friends, that we'd never get back together, you would walk right back to the hostel and you'd never speak to me again, am I right?"
"Of course I wouldn't. I would still be standing here right where I am saying the exact same things." He tried not to look down and was successful in holding his head up.
"No, Scott, I know you. I've had some time to think and you know, I don't think you want to be my lover or my friend, I think you want to be my leech?"
Scott was stunned. No one had ever said anything to him like that, male or female. He didn't even know how to take it. If he took it in stride, Emily would think he was still conducting some sort of elaborate ruse and if he got angry, Emily was just going to get scared again and who knew what she might be capable of?
"How can you say that?" the question shot out with Scott himself on the verge of tears, "after all that I've done for you over the years?"
"You've used me over the years, Scott. It's just that simple. You stayed with me because I made you feel young. I made you feel vibrant. I made you feel alive. And now when the shoes on the other foot, you can't do the same for me."
"But, Emily," Scott said, the tears now welling up in his eyes, "it's not for lack of trying. I've tried everything."
Emily looked at him and must have seen that he was crying. Scott felt the attack pull back as though the words in the air had been heavy enough to do physical damage.
"I know, Scott," Emily said crying again, "I know. But there's only so much that you can try before you have to give up. I love you Scott, I've always loved you. And since I know you love me too, I'm going to try to make this easy on you. You have to go back to Paris, right? My plane doesn't leave for another six days. Maybe what I need to do is try to see what else is out there. Maybe I just need to find my Warsaw."
"What are you saying Emily," Scott asked with the tear welling in his eyes and heart.
"I'm saying to let me go Scott," Emily said, crying herself. "Maybe not let me go forever, but just let me go now. Is that alright?"
Scott shook his head as much to say no as that he was trying to get the words that Emily had made out of his ears.
"Emily, come on the plane back to Chicago with me tomorrow. I'll pay for the change of ticket. We'll get you home and we'll get you help. You're not thinking rationally right now. I'm not saying you're crazy, just upset."
"No Scott, I'm doing this for your own good. I'm not a good person to be around now. Live your life. Go out, have fun. The truth is, you make me feel young too. You really have spent the entirety of the time we've been together protecting me. And I really did appreciate it."
There was a hanging silence as Scott waited for the "but..."
"What I need right now, Scott is to not be sheltered. I'm 26 years old, not 20 anymore. I feel like everyone I know is out there experiencing life. Experiencing pain and loss, sure, but they're also experiencing joy. You said it yourself, I need to experience everything. Sandra's right about one thing, I do feel naive. How am I supposed to know if I can trust people if I've never had to worry about who to trust and who not to trust?"
"I can give you space Emily," he cried.
"No Scott," she said, "it's too late for you right now. I can't go back. I mean, look at us. We fell into the same patterns that we had before. Scott, we had a really good run. I mean, you're the love of my life and you probably always will be but I need to be alone right now. Maybe in a few months I'll give you a call. I'm really sorry."
"Emily come here," Scott said.
He held out his arms, hoping she would realize what she was doing and run into them. But, instead she walked down the stairs and to the east. Scott watched as she walked away. Something inside told him not to remember her this way. There was something unearthly about the way she walked. He knew that he had lost her forever and he worried that the world had too. He thought to himself, right then and there that some people just aren't meant for this world and that Emily might be one of them.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she hadn't burned too brightly and faded too fast, right before his eyes. He hoped that the ghostly walk turned into the march that he knew so well. He pictured the little feet kicking up a cadence that he couldn't see in the distance saying, "no one better get in my way."
And maybe he was getting in her way. The questions that he had fought so hard to purge from his mind all suddenly came flooding back. He would let this Emily go what choice did he have? It was better to remember the Little Insurgent Emily anyway. He thought about her combat boots pounding the pavement in Chicago as opposed to her hiking boots walking the other direction than he would be forced to walk as soon as he had the strength to get up.
That version in his mind of Emily was how he'd always try to remember her, even if it did fly in the face of the real Emily that growing further and further away with every passing moment. All he could hope for was that her path led her to somewhere and not nowhere.
Chapter Word Count: 2928
Daily Word Count: 10246
Total Word Count: 91302
Scott walked back from the small department store that served as a supermarket with a spring in his step. That Emily that he had saw practically dancing in the two parking spaces was exactly the Emily that he remembered and he felt like there was hope in him that she would recover yet.
When he arrived back at the wall to see that she was crying again, he felt as though an arrow had been shot through his hopes.
Emily was sitting on the two steps that led from the parking spaces to the overhang of the building. She held her face in her hands but when she looked up, he knew that the tears had started not long after he left. He set the little paper bag that contained the disposable camera and some modeling clay, he had found an art supply store along the way, down next to her. He had gotten a nagging suspicion that he had been gone for too long the entire time that he had been away and now he wondered if he had.
"What's wrong?" he said to Emily, the disappointment showing in his voice. Although this disappointment wasn't for her, it was for himself.
Emily seemed to barely be able to get out complete sentences. "There was..." she began. "this man..."
"he was..."
"wearing this uniform..."
"A policeman?" Scott asked.
"No, it was...a military uniform...but he...wasn't..."
"Emily," Scott said gently again, "breathe in and slow down."
He watched as Emily's chest heaved up and down with the deep breaths that she took. Had thought about dumping the contents of the paper bag out and having her use it as a cure for her hyperventilation. But he still worried that anything he did that might give away how worried he was would set her over the age. This latest transformation from content to distraught had happened so quickly, he hadn't even had time to think about how to react. He felt so helpless to fix her, so powerless to assist.
Emily slowly began to fade in the shed of red that she had become. "No," she finally said, "he was a homeless veteran. He only had one leg, his pant leg was cuffed off and all that. He walked up to me and he held out his hands and started speaking in German. I asked him if he spoke English or French and he just screamed, 'nein!' at me. And he kept holding his hand out. It was so dirty. There were scars all over his hands and all over his face and I wanted to help, I really did. I tried to gesture that I didn't have any money. But he just wouldn't understand, or he just couldn't understand. He kept approaching closer and closer."
Emily stood up now and began to act out the interaction. "So I backed up," she said stepping back again with her own feet. "But, he just kept approaching me. He was so close that I could smell his breath and see his yellow teeth. So I got scared you know..."
"What happened?"
"I wanted to push him away and run, but I was scared I would get violent again so I just froze."
Emily stood so still that Scott was worried she was going to faint right on the stone steps she was standing on.
"And he pushed me down Scott! He pushed me down and tried to take my bag. But I grabbed on tightly and he walked away muttering something in German. I would have reached for the mace in my bag, but I was too frozen at the time to even think about it."
Scott wondered how something like that could have happened in front of all the tourists standing in front of both sides of the wall, taking pictures. His eyes wandered past Emily, sitting on the steps where she had been 'pushed down' at the crowds. They were behaving as if nothing unusual had happened. Scott wanted to walk up to them and ask them if they had seen anything and if they had, why hadn't they come over to help Emily?
As Scott's gaze looked past her, Emily said, "you don't believe me do you?"
Scott wasn't sure if he believe her or not. He worried that not believing her was the worst thing he could possibly do at that very moment and so he said, "of course I believe you." He walked up to Emily's new standing on the stairs and said, "but Emily, this is what I was talking about when I said you have to roll with what life throws you. Homeless people are just a way of life here and at home. And I think he was definitely the crazy one. You needed to stop worrying about him hurting you and protect yourself."
He couldn't look her in the eyes as he said it, he instead stared down at his feet.
She pointed a finger at him and exclaimed, "see you don't believe me! You were looking down when you said it! Whenever you're lying, you look down!"
Scott felt as though his cover had been completely blown. He couldn't figure out how Emily knew this mannerism of his that he barely recognized in himself. He walked closer to her to try and remedy the situation. Looking right into her eyes, he said, "no Emily, I don't think you're crazy."
He reached out his arms to hug her again. She seemed to recoil back and begin to back up again. "Come on Emily?" he asked, "don't you trust me."
Emily screamed at him, "why did you say that?"
Scott was taken aback at the sudden spike in the volume of Emily's voice. "Say what?" he asked still trying to remain calm even though he felt like he was losing control of the situation completely.
"Do I trust you? Haven't you listened to a word I've been saying? I told you that I don't trust anybody right now! What makes you think that I can trust you! And 'do I trust you?' You know the last person who asks me that question was Greg and look what my yes answer got me. So, no I don't trust you."
"Emily," Scott said, his voice becoming firmer as he began to get irritated with the accusations that he thought he had already answered multiple times, "I'm not Greg! This is me, Scott. This is me, someone who has never harmed a hair on your beautiful little head. This is me, the person who's done nothing but try to help you since I got to Berlin!"
"No!" Emily shouted at him from what seemed like feet away even though he grasped that they were, in reality, less than a foot apart. "You're all the same. All of you. And I don't mean that line about all men being potential rapists either. I mean, all of you, everybody in my life, all you want to do is use me."
Scott saw that Emily was still backing up and was in danger of falling over the set of two stairs that led down to the wall. He rushed up and grabbed her as she was about to fall backwards into the hard concrete below.
"Let go of me! Who says that I don't want to fall?" she screamed at him. The tourists with the cameras began to look over at the scene. Scott held Emily with one arm and urged them to look away with the other. But their eyes remained glued to Emily's back as Scott dragged her back away from the ledge.
"Let go of me!" she screamed, "and let me go."
"Go where Emily?" Scott asked, "I'm not going to let you fall. I'm here to protect you."
"Protect me? Why does everyone want to protect me?" Emily's voice quieted down.
"You all have a really insane way of wanting to protect me. You and Sandra both. You're trying to protect me by playing me as some sort of pawn in whatever game you two are playing right now. One of you is lying and I'd really like to think it's her, but I don't even know anymore. Both of you were there for me when I really needed it but then you disappear as soon as you think I'm alright again. You just did that very thing!"
"What do you expect us to do?" Scott asked, the grief that he felt inside about both what Emily had just tried to do and what Emily seemed about to do bubbled out into his voice.
"Emily, I don't know what to say," he said, "I love you. All of the things I do for you comes out of wanting to see you happy and nothing more, I promise." He made sure to look her right in the eyes as he said it. "All I want is that you don't get hurt."
"Why don't you want to see me get hurt?" Emily asked matching the glaze that he felt like he was giving her. "Are you doing all this just to keep me around so the next time you have unanswerable questions, I'm around to answer them for you?"
"No, Emily." Scott let go, he didn't know what to say. "I just don't want to lose you from my life. I don't think anyone should lose you from their lives. You really are a special person, a shining light like that church you described on the hill. You're an example to the rest of us."
"Some example I am when I can't even take care of myself. I read that part of your e-mail to Sandra too. I know how you really feel. You know that I'm crazy right now. You as much as said it to Sandra, 'I've seen the state she's in now. I'm going to try to help her recover. You let her get this way.'"
Scott was taken aback that Emily was using those words that he had written in such kindness and such pathos towards her, albeit in anger against Sandra, and throwing them back in his face as if he had been trying to wound her.
"Nothing to say, huh?" Emily asked.
Scott looked for the words, but they were not there. It felt like anything he could say would go through the translation system in Emily's brain and come out as negative. He was in a no-win situation and all that he could do was hope to weather Emily's storm and that in the end, she came to a decision that wasn't going to rip his heart out.
"Everyone knows that I'm crazy right now," Emily continued in his silence, "but you, you really take the cake. You trying to lie to me and tell me that I'm not. But I hear it in your voice Scott, the way you talk to me. You talk to me like I'm some sort of child. You act like I'm some sort of child. You bought me play-doh, for God's sakes," Emily covered her mouth for a second and crossed herself.
"But, I'm not a child Scott! I'm a grown woman! I may have been a child when you met me, but something you said to me yesterday, I've been thinking about it. You're right, I need to solve my problems on my own."
"Emily I never wanted to hurt you. Those things that I said is because I care about you. I just want to be your friend."
"My friend?" The raise in her voice to note the question felt to Scott like a screech. "You want to be my friend? I don't fucking..."
Emily covered her mouth as the curse word broke out. She straightened her skirt and continued slower and calmer. "You don't want to be my friend. If I were to say right now that we could only be friends, that we'd never get back together, you would walk right back to the hostel and you'd never speak to me again, am I right?"
"Of course I wouldn't. I would still be standing here right where I am saying the exact same things." He tried not to look down and was successful in holding his head up.
"No, Scott, I know you. I've had some time to think and you know, I don't think you want to be my lover or my friend, I think you want to be my leech?"
Scott was stunned. No one had ever said anything to him like that, male or female. He didn't even know how to take it. If he took it in stride, Emily would think he was still conducting some sort of elaborate ruse and if he got angry, Emily was just going to get scared again and who knew what she might be capable of?
"How can you say that?" the question shot out with Scott himself on the verge of tears, "after all that I've done for you over the years?"
"You've used me over the years, Scott. It's just that simple. You stayed with me because I made you feel young. I made you feel vibrant. I made you feel alive. And now when the shoes on the other foot, you can't do the same for me."
"But, Emily," Scott said, the tears now welling up in his eyes, "it's not for lack of trying. I've tried everything."
Emily looked at him and must have seen that he was crying. Scott felt the attack pull back as though the words in the air had been heavy enough to do physical damage.
"I know, Scott," Emily said crying again, "I know. But there's only so much that you can try before you have to give up. I love you Scott, I've always loved you. And since I know you love me too, I'm going to try to make this easy on you. You have to go back to Paris, right? My plane doesn't leave for another six days. Maybe what I need to do is try to see what else is out there. Maybe I just need to find my Warsaw."
"What are you saying Emily," Scott asked with the tear welling in his eyes and heart.
"I'm saying to let me go Scott," Emily said, crying herself. "Maybe not let me go forever, but just let me go now. Is that alright?"
Scott shook his head as much to say no as that he was trying to get the words that Emily had made out of his ears.
"Emily, come on the plane back to Chicago with me tomorrow. I'll pay for the change of ticket. We'll get you home and we'll get you help. You're not thinking rationally right now. I'm not saying you're crazy, just upset."
"No Scott, I'm doing this for your own good. I'm not a good person to be around now. Live your life. Go out, have fun. The truth is, you make me feel young too. You really have spent the entirety of the time we've been together protecting me. And I really did appreciate it."
There was a hanging silence as Scott waited for the "but..."
"What I need right now, Scott is to not be sheltered. I'm 26 years old, not 20 anymore. I feel like everyone I know is out there experiencing life. Experiencing pain and loss, sure, but they're also experiencing joy. You said it yourself, I need to experience everything. Sandra's right about one thing, I do feel naive. How am I supposed to know if I can trust people if I've never had to worry about who to trust and who not to trust?"
"I can give you space Emily," he cried.
"No Scott," she said, "it's too late for you right now. I can't go back. I mean, look at us. We fell into the same patterns that we had before. Scott, we had a really good run. I mean, you're the love of my life and you probably always will be but I need to be alone right now. Maybe in a few months I'll give you a call. I'm really sorry."
"Emily come here," Scott said.
He held out his arms, hoping she would realize what she was doing and run into them. But, instead she walked down the stairs and to the east. Scott watched as she walked away. Something inside told him not to remember her this way. There was something unearthly about the way she walked. He knew that he had lost her forever and he worried that the world had too. He thought to himself, right then and there that some people just aren't meant for this world and that Emily might be one of them.
Maybe he was wrong. Maybe she hadn't burned too brightly and faded too fast, right before his eyes. He hoped that the ghostly walk turned into the march that he knew so well. He pictured the little feet kicking up a cadence that he couldn't see in the distance saying, "no one better get in my way."
And maybe he was getting in her way. The questions that he had fought so hard to purge from his mind all suddenly came flooding back. He would let this Emily go what choice did he have? It was better to remember the Little Insurgent Emily anyway. He thought about her combat boots pounding the pavement in Chicago as opposed to her hiking boots walking the other direction than he would be forced to walk as soon as he had the strength to get up.
That version in his mind of Emily was how he'd always try to remember her, even if it did fly in the face of the real Emily that growing further and further away with every passing moment. All he could hope for was that her path led her to somewhere and not nowhere.
Chapter Word Count: 2928
Daily Word Count: 10246
Total Word Count: 91302
